I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you for good.
I’ve been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.
These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today
and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn’t even notice that I had gotten
a new haircut, cooked your favorite meal, and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers later
that night. You came home, nibbled at your food for two minutes, and went straight to sleep
after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore,
You don’t want sex anymore or anything. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me.
Whichever is the case,… I’m gone. Signed,
P.S. Don’t try to find me. Your sister and I are moving away to West Virginia together.
Have a great life!
Nothing has made my day more enjoyable than receiving your letter.
It’s true that you and I have been married for seven years,
although a ‘good man’ is a far away from what you’ve been.
I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping.
It’s just too bad it doesn’t work. Yes, I did notice when you got a hair cut last week,
and actually the first thing that came to my mind was “You look just like a girl”
but my mother raised me not to say anything at all if you can’t say anything nice.
And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with my SISTER,
because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I turned away from you when you had those
new silk boxers on because the price tag was still on them. I prayed that it was just a coincidence
that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your silk boxers were $49.99…
After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I
had hit the lotto for twenty million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Hawaii.
But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess.
I hope you have the fulfilling life you’ve always wanted. My lawyer said with the letter that you wrote,
you won’t get a dime from me. So take care.
Signed: Rich As Hell and Freeeeeeeeeeee!
P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this but my sister ‘Carla’ was born Carl.
I hope that’s not a problem for you.