You addressed your post to ananda whilst replying to my post but anyhow, I jus want to add that I'm pleased that you've found a way of feeling joy and I'm very pleased for you.
I sometimes feel despair but I try not to judge or criticise the inncocent spark that is in individuals. I try not to ultimately judge (only God can do that) at all but criticism is another matter, and when it comes to criticising, it's wise only to judge a person's actions and not the person themself.
When I criticise Freemasonry or any other group, it's the institution I'm criticising and not individual members and I think it's important to keep this in mind, otherwise this is where feelings of despair arise from.
What gives me a sense of joyfulness and peacefulness is the realisation that we have a spiritual nature that cannot be harmed by the actions of those that wish to cause suffering to others.
Lots of Love