The ladies were looking around the inside of the house as I reached the fence, hesitated with a look back over my shoulder, knowing that if I crossed over there would be no turning back, and I climbed and crossed and took two steps towards the trees when a great 'whoosh' came from above. I looked up to see a flaming ball course through the sky and arc overhead before slamming and completely destroying the house as I was running back to it, screaming out 'No, No!', but it was too late...my heart was wrenched from my chest.
Another 'whoosh' came and I saw it aiming for me...I ran over there and it missed me, pluming the air with debris; another and I ran and a plume and debris...several times they kept coming until the landscape was flaming rubble and then the sky became filled with meteors, the sky's determination at crushing me for my transgression at not being satisfied with what the Great Mother had presented me: a loving fiance, a nice home, the countryside with farm animals and such...
...and I couldn't let any more destruction occur. I looked at the coming firey ball face-on, knelt down, watched as the sky cleared of every other flaming ball, and smiled that nothing else would be destroyed. As it drew near, I closed my eyes and wondered if it would hurt, and then wondered again why I felt nothing right at the moment when I should have been blown to smithereens...and I opened my eyes against the brilliance that had overcome me and saw nothing but pure white everywhere.
I pondered for a moment as I was wrapped in complete calm...a great hug of love that was all pervasive as there was nothing else but it...even I did not exist anymore...I was dead and did not know it...and I felt a tear well up from somewhere that shouldn't exist because there was no face for it to be on...and it spilled over an unknown eyelid and coursed down an unknown cheek, and I awoke from my dream to feel the tear coursing down my cheek while my very being acknowledged the entirety of the dream and what it meant.
A few weeks later, after having just changed jobs and now working nights and weekends and spending hardly any time with my fiance as she started spending more time with a girlfriend and going out to see soccer games, they went to an after=party and she did something stupid which broke us up. Probably a prophetic dream; more-so something else. Even right this moment, as I sit on my lounge using an internet connection from my good neighbour I help calm horses with while he trims their hooves...a connection that shouldn't be possible to use because of his hot-spot only extending 30 feet from its base and his home being over 200 feet away and a couple of buildings between us...a connection that suddenly came on 2 nights ago...I don't really feel anything from these last few posts and what they contain. I feel 'business as usual'...no sense of relief; no wonder at what tomorrow may hold; no excitement at some coming prize; nothing out of the ordinary...the very same feeling I had when my fiance had drunkenly slept with another man and the realization that 'such is life'.
It is now after 4 am and something woke me up and here I am, playing around again, and pretty soon I'll go back to sleep for another 2 hours before I get up to go help with a couple of horses; do some washing afterwards; then head down the pub in the afternoon for a couple of beers with the guys before coming home and having a pretty tasty cottage pie while I watch some tv and read more of a book I am into...business as usual.
On Saturday, I start putting together a little aviary for my zebra finches, and a friend will come over and we'll have some wine and a laugh and in the evening I'll catch up with my horse-neighbour for a chin wag on his porch while other neighbours get their evening stroll in and we all say hi to each other.
Nothing has changed in me or my world...there was no great attainment of any kind of personal triumph recently...no short-circuit in some great fear arising that I am exposed to any kind of harm...no care what anyone now thinks about someone who has seemingly gone too far...not even a care that you could perceive me to 'have a big head'. Not one jot of concern about my behaviour or your perception of that.
I own me; I own my name; I own my beliefs; I own what I do; I own my day. And I am not ashamed at all that I let loose on something just to see how it would make me feel...not for your or anyone else's benefit in looking at me differently now as compared to the other day but for what it would do to me. And it's done nothing at all.
I guess I'll get back to sleep now...got a busy day ahead. I'll check in later to see how some other topics are progressing. Someone sounds a little interested in an old rock carving I found 20-odd years ago. You have a good day there, Mic.