Thank you for the correct spelling. . . . :-)

Perhaps Orpheus intuited my would be answer to his post on develpment through opposition, and my wondering if this is what caused Graham to abandon the documentary books for fiction at one point?


Living in levels of mind is not the usual way, and yet I have been there since I went into carbon freeze at 12 years old, albeit blind and deaf and a perfect shield ---- for my meddling paternal grandmother power craver adept to hide behind.


Her mind is so strong already most cannot override her interaction. But she craved to be a queen many times on the continent, and my childhood innocence provided her what she needed to spy and survive. Now I am desperately trying to get out of that sphere of influence, which has a nice spider web over the front range, and a good section of the pacific side of the mountains as well!


I certainly don't believe in oposition as a resistance weight for personal development, there are enough challenges in this life without deliberate additions. If an individual takes up a challenge and follows through there is a sense of accomplishment. If the individual is conflicted by an imposed, unnatural situation there is angst, discomfort and a sense of unfairness which can eventually cause meanspiritedness.

I have seen so many examples of poor mothering since leaving my nest and living in the car. And a few excellent ones. People are very different, and I would extrapolate this extends to many other areas. It's good to have differences, its not so good to have conflict.

Nature provides a space where cooperation yields advantage and survival.
Mankind provides a space wherein competition and ego provide advantage & survival.

For the ruminants the Gift of Herne (antlers bearing testosterone) provides the situation of competition, and breeding and then the loss of the antlers and the testosterone allows the herd to teturn to cooperative functioning.
Pretty slick idea there!
Mankind does not have this . . Except social security and retirement.

I am not the well adapted being, I am the controlled and trained, and kept being now longing for the chance to be my own person, although that ("most me") part of me has already been taken out of my life, like my Muse, and I doubt it will return.

The controllers would have you believe you are selfless, and all you are --- are the pieces they have inserted into your mind. They would never let you know which persona moving through your days & nights, looking out of your eyes or speaking from your mouth, or typing onscreen .... is you!!!

The inner parts change with the situation, and after 20 years of being one stable person, (thanks to the birth of my son), I find all this to be very disappointing, and not acceptable at all . . . They make money this way? I know I am being sold out, to make living beings out of scraps. This engenders a strong need to find the place and proper way to die, since I have no control over these actions, and will eventually be completely erased!!
. . .
I have my cousin supplyong money and his inner round-about spending it to drive higher and higher the amount I owe.


When you no longer eat, or spend, or do things as you would, you know you are gone!
I am gone, and before there was no return with out the birth of my own child . . .

Having been through the ovary harvesting spaces of the sheila-na-gig, one might lose hope, but I know life can come in other ways, I have had the experience (here and gone in less than 24 hours, but unmistakable), though it was before I fell into love and lack of control.


Now, being thrown (under the bus) into disease, missing limbs, parasites and deliberate (truly DELIBERATE INFECTION) . . . and feeling my loss of energy, self, and health, I am at pretty ragged ends.

I appreciate your posting to defray the comment of Orpheus. . . Thank you.

But those high in the polished realms of mind and the benefits that confers, perhaps find it easy to overlook the space between themselves and the lower eschelons lost in service without recourse. The differences are vast and mighty and impinge on everything . . .

Worse, my phenotype, the body which was mine at the time my son was alive, and I knew a single//integrated life, ---- was ruined by injection molding techniques, (I have photos) . . . and I was given the phenotype (fat apple, with 22 inch calves and huge ankles over the missing feet) of my Grandmother, I guess to let them sell me out to the more blinded --- as herself, though I could never be herself, and this causes me great distress!

I feel like a walking walrus, a 90 pound overweight blob, and that after 7 months of daily workouts ... missing only 3 days ... they come into my life, in June of last summer, and I gain 12 pounds in 3 days . . . I cannot seem to lose it, and there is another parasite in the peritoneal cavity! [And I seem to always smell like a whore! I an the one celibate for a life time minus 5 years!] ... beginning to seem soap box-esque!!

I want out! ---- fire or water?

Just for your enlightenment.